I say 'sorry' a lot.
In the annoying way.
I'll apologise to a motionless mannequin, a fellow path user, every player on the opposition and all of my own teammates, the grumpy teller or idiotic driver - whether I'm in the wrong or not.
It's irritating to be around.
But the real apologies in life, an actual admission of real guilt/resposibility/error - that hasn't come easy.
I'm from a long line of obstinate non-apologisers.
It's in my blood to stubbornly persist or deny involvement.
(See how I deflected the blame there?!)
It's taken many years of de-programming this wiring to seperate humility from connotations of weakness or failure.
I'm a work in progress but I'm proud to say (without apology!) that I now generally acknowledge when I've mucked up.
I fess up and I 'do' the confrontation/take it on the chin thing I've avoided for so long.
From the little ones like "whoops that was me who left the back door open" to the biggies like "I wrongly completely disregarded your wishes" I'm a-retraining all the time.
This week I was a tad hasty.
I took the bait.
My hackles went up and I gnashed my teeth a little when someone took a tiny little swipe at my cub.
I pressed 'send' when I know I should have walked away.
Nothing serious at all, but enough to compromise my own standards.
So, I heated up that humble pie and cut me a big ol' chunk.
Ate two whole pieces - one after the other.
And it tasted great.
Neither person (yes, I did it twice!!!) was particularly offended, but man, did I walk taller and step lighter after looking them in the eye and admitting that I wasn't proud of my tone. After conceding that I'd directed my frustration in the wrong direction and that I was genuinely sorry. (Not to mention embarassed.)
I'm grateful for the grown-up somewhere deep inside that is developing.
I know she's in there.
Linknig with Maxabella's 52 Weeks of Grateful.