Thursday, November 1, 2012

I Want My Mum

I have a number of character traits that I dislike.
I talk too much, I interrupt people and I'm a control freak... just to mention a few.

But, there's one thing I really despise about myself.
It's not obvious and it is completely (thankfully) unspoken - but in one particular area of my life I am a jealous cow.

My family all live in our homeland of Ireland.
It is my choice to reside here in Australia - and I have to be a big girl and suck up the consequences of that choice.
But sometimes I just don't wanna.

Sometimes I'm far too in touch with my inner toddler.
In fact, sometimes I want to throw myself on the floor, flail around and scream "I. Want. My. Mummy".
Particularly in the shops, actually.

Especially when I see Mums out with their children and their Mums.
Or when you tell me that your Mum popped over or your Mum has your kids or your Mum came to the doctors with you or your Mum made the cake or your Mum thought that your child had a temp or your Mum is too demanding or... you get the idea.

On challenging days, often all I want is to pack my kids up, hop on a plane to Ireland and turn up on Mum's doorstep.
(Actually I did that last year, but it's hardly feasible on a regular basis!)
Then I remember how horrific the flight is and I take a walk instead.

I feel for Hubby too, because I often think that if my Mum or my sister were close by, then he wouldn't have to be 'it and a bit' in terms of my family.
If they were around, surely he could go paddling all weekend long without the guilt trip of leaving me here on my poor old lonesome.
Or maybe not.

There's a level of familiarity and dependence that comes with Mums and sisters that I really crave at times. That ease. That freedom to be completely vulnerable and maybe a tad unhinged.

I am so blessed with amazing, fabulous friends - but they also have their own lives to lead and families to be with.

When I had Magoo, one of our neighbours had a grandchild at the same time.
A few times a week, I would see her daughter drive in with her baby girl - coming to see her Mum or drop the baby to Mum's or to pick up Mum so they could all head off to an appointment or the shops together.

She was (is) a lovely girl - but I found myself wanting to kick her in the shins or pull her hair or stab her with a fork.
I would be heading off for yet another walk by myself with my crying baby  and she got to have 'Nanna time'.
I used to watch them drive off and flip them the bird.
Honestly. How embarrassing.
(I'm confident my disgraceful behaviour went unseen and couldn't possibly be the reason they moved last year. I hope.)

I'm burning with shame at that admission here - but it's almost uncontrollable - the silent jealousy.
It's still here fours years on.
I went to two appointments on Tuesday and in both waiting rooms were Mums with their Mums.
I'm pretty sure I gave them all the evil eye - accidentally of course.
Then I came home with my newly cortisoned wrist, put my newly immunised, miserable baby to bed and cried like an even bigger baby.

Until the universe intervened and forced me to grow back up.

My actual (beautiful) baby stopped breathing.
Twice. And then once more on the drive into the hospital.
Blue lips. Cold face.
Terrified parents.

Missi and I are home from hospital today - but her breathing monitor has alarmed five times so far.
I am on high alert.
There's no room to be feeling sorry for myself anymore.
This week I've been reminded that I am the Mummy now.
I need to woman up and save the sook for another time.

(You know what though, I still want my Mummy.)


Gab* said...

Oh how terrifying!!!! Do they know why? Thinking of you!!

Karla {Ironmum Karla} said...

Oh shar you poor thing, you have every right to feel like this. I have my moments like this too, even though my mum only lives 10km away but she really doesn't have the confidence these days. I hope missi is ok. From the needles??? X

Modern Day Mummying said...

Amen for MUMS! You have every right to feel that way... Not trying to rub this in but I don't know what i'd do without my mum even though at times I contemplate advertising her in the paper under the heading 'Free to Good Home'. I love her because she loves me unconditionally...

I hope your baby girl is OK.

Sophie xo

Tamsyn said...

Oh Shar, that is so frightening! I'm glad she's out of hospital and ok. Did the Drs have any idea what caused it?

Kate @ Our Little Sins said...

Oh Shar, how scary. I don't know if you want to hear it but it happened to a friend of mine when her son was four months old and turned out to be nothing at all. They couldn't explain it but he was fine (and still is 4 years later).

I get jealous of people with siblings. My brother and I did this..., my sisters and I etc etc... It's the only thing I'm really jealous of. Family is so important. xx

JJ said...

OMG are you in my head ?!? Lol have those feelings all the time, it's hard isn't it, doesn't matter whether its another country or even further.... And it doesn't matter how great your in laws might be - IT'S NOT THE SAME !!
I wanted to cry for my mum both times in hospital after having my girls ....but didn't want the nurses to think I had PND five minutes after giving birth ( how silly).

Coal Valley View said...

Oh Shar I didn't know this was going on with Missi - that's really scary and having an extra family member around to 'carry the burden' would be ideal right about now. I'm in the same boat with regards to having NO family whatsoever on this island. Our choice and 99% of the time I'm happy about that - that little stretch of water called Bass Strait can sometimes be a blessing. However, on the odd occasion where it would be really handy to drop the kids off for an hour or 2 to 'Mum's" when I have my head down the toilet etc are the times I wish I had someone to do that. Yes, I get jealous too when friends seem to be able to do that whenever they need too - totally normal!My friends are great, we do help each other out but like you said, they have their own (many) kids as well. On the bright side, I have noticed that some friends who get a lot of help from family members tend to fall in a heap if grandma isn't available at the drop of a hat whenever they encounter a small inconvenience (or there seems to be strings attached which they complain about) so I feel good about not having this dependence on a regular basis. Still, totally normal to feel the way you do - I could really do with some help now, can hardly move carrying this big load and have to wait till weekends when the hubby can help do all the housework - would love to give him a break too :-)
More importantly, hope Missi is OK (and can you at least Skype or call your Mum & sis?). Mel xx

Anna @ green tea n toast said...

Oh no! You poor thing. I know exactly what you mean about wanting your Mum - as you know, we made the decision to move back to be nearer to family in England because of that very reason. It is hard not being close, but equally it's amazing how your own coping mechanisms kick in when they are needed. I hope Missi is ok, I'm sure she will be. You just keep doing what you're doing and use that lovely husband of yours as much as you need to. x

Nat - Muddy Farmwife said...

Oh Shar you poor thing, hope you and Missi are doing OK. You are well and justified to chuck a tanty and want your Mum. I do it and my Mum is only 7 hours away, so you're more than justified.
Hope they sort Missi out soon.
Sending lots of love xoxox

Lisa said...

What an awful scare with Missi! :( I can somewhat relate missing your family, I live in Australia and my whole family are in NZ, it's much closer but I still only see them once a year at Christmas and I miss them terribly. We don't have kids yet but I still miss them being around for all the exciting things that happen in the everyday, to have dinner with them, have a coffee. We make these choices though. Being a grown up stinks sometimes xx

Mandy Ferry said...

OMG you poor bugger. I hope your little girl is ok. And you are never too old to want your mum.

Jane said...

Oh Shar. You darling girl. How horrendous. I really feel for you. Have the doctors worked out what's going on? J x

Mama of 2 boys said...

Oh lovely, that sounds just completely horrific, poor you and poor little Missi :( I do hope she is doing better now. My mother's group consists of me and four other lovely ladies, who ALL happen to have their parents overseas. And I see how painful it is for them not to have their Mum or Dad around, especially during those newborn days or when the babies are sick or teething etc... It is definitely something a lot of people take for granted, having their parents around to help out. I feel very lucky to have my Mama living relatively close by, but unlike lots of my friends, I can't depend on her too often, as she's quite elderly. In saying that, I still get to see her regularly and I would find it almost impossible to think of having her all the way on the other side of the world.
Hope you're able to squeeze another trip back home in sooner than later my friend xoxo

Laura @ Twenty5seven said...

I hope everything is okay with Missi now!

I know how you feel a little bit- my Mum is in Broome, my sister is in Tasmania and pretty all the rest of our family is in England. I do see my mum a lot though as she flies down for Drs appts every month or so but thats different because shes there when the appt is, not when i need her. But at least she's just a phonecall away (super handy since shes a nurse).

Sonia LifeLoveandHiccups said...

Holy Crap Shar! I have been a bit absent in the blog reading department these past few weeks and so I am playing catch up - I never ever in a zillion years expected to read something like this. I am so so sorry hun you are going through this with your gorgeous girl. How terrifying for you.
Please try and stay strong hun - I wish there was something I could do or say to help relieve that stress for you, but I know I cant. So instead I am sending you so much love and and hope that this is resolved as quickly as possible for you and Missy. xxx