Tuesday, October 30, 2012

Those Tables Have Turned

When Hubby and I began our relationship I was (affectionately, right guys?) known to my friends as LMI - Little Miss Independent.

I lived on my own, I took care of myself.
I did the dirty jobs and the braved the creep crawlies.
My family all lived overseas.
I didn't need anyone.

I was highly social, loved my job, kept my own hours and was in control of pretty much everything in my life.

When I met my Hubby, I was fresh from a toxic relationship and reluctant to get invoIved with anyone.
I resisted committing and wouldn't even use the word 'boyfriend' for ages!

When we were dating, Hubby (to be) would usually arrive at my place earlier than we had arranged - often getting there before me. The sweetheart would be waiting to open the garage door for me and start enquiring about my day immediately.
So sweet.
So suffocating to someone like me.

I can remember one evening that he arrived at my place and casually popped his lunch for work the following day in my fridge.
I had a mild panic attack as I hadn't invited him to stay at mine.
If I recall correctly, he sensed my uncomfortable 'moment', we had words and he left!
So innocently done.
So suffocating.

When we finally moved in together, Hubby was a part time shift worker.
He would often race out to the car like an excited puppy when I returned from work and carry my bags in.
So cute.
So suffocating.

Fast forward a few years and a couple of babies.
Cue about 5 pm on a weekday.
I'm haaaaanging for Hubby to get home.
I can't wait to have him to talk to, to laugh with, to share the load.
I'm that puppy dog waiting impatiently for him, tongue just about hanging on the floor.
By 5.30pm I'm texting "How far???? xxx"
So pathetically needy.
So suffocating - for poor Hubby.

Around the time that my uterus became viable real estate, I lost that LMI tag.
All of a sudden, Hubby's travel-heavy job wasn't so tolerable anymore.
All of a sudden, Hubby's paddling and training time seemed to go forever.
All of a sudden, I felt that I not just wanted, but needed someone.

When Magoo was a few weeks old, I actually literally begged Hubby not to go away for a couple of weeks.
I pleaded, I cried, I threatened divorce...
He went anyway and I fell apart behind closed doors.

Four years later, baby number two is on the scene and again I dread the thought of him being away for more than a night.

Even typing that makes my eyes well with self hate.

I mourn the loss of Little MIss Independent sometimes.

Until I remember that she has been replaced with Mrs Strong
- because even though I adore having my Hubby around and depend on him more than ever,
I have accomplished and withstood things that I didn't think possible in the last four years.
Back in the good 'ol days - pre needy!
 That woman checking the driveway like a lunatic from 5.30pm everyday is still capable and competent.
She still takes care of herself - but also three others.
Now she's a wife and mother. Dependant and depended upon.

Do babies make you vulnerable too?
Do you hang for 'Hubby home time'?

Shar :-)


Kate @ Our Little Sins said...

Hmmm, I haven't really thought about babies and vulnerability. But I too was very independent and hated anyone who was suffocating.

Yeah, I like it when the husb gets home. It breaks the day nicely!

mummybowerbird said...

Ditto to everything you just wrote!! I can do it all when and where ever I want was my saying pre kiddies. But as I write this hubby is away (again) but I am powering through, albiet with the help of a few sneaky wines here and there. The reality is, we can do it all ourselves if we want/need to but now choose to share this amazing journey with a trusty sidekick! x

Jinnifer richard said...

very memorizing time pass with your hobby. keep it up.

Holli Roberts said...

Oh I use to hang for Hubby home time" but now Hubby works away so instead of looking at the driveway and clock we are staring at the calender counting down the days. (46 sleeps!)

Mama of 2 boys said...

Whilst I am pretty independent still, I do understand this Shar. I don't necessarily need hubby here to do anything for me... but I do need him here to talk to and I miss him terribly if he's away or working extra late. I guess it's a case of not feeling complete without him here... and yes, I do feel a little ganged up on when it's just me and the boys for prolonged periods. I have however, become quite used to him leaving home before 7am and arriving home after 7pm every day. Insane hours really.
Love that pic of you two baking up a storm ;) xo