My neighbour and I regularly have 'Worst Mother In The World' conferences on our front gardens. These are often accompanied by an alcoholic beverage and the children going feral around us.
Some of my entries have included
- Sleeping baby Magoo in his pram outside my bedroom door for a couple of nights because I couldn't get him to settle anywhere else.
- 9 week old Magoo getting very sunburnt in a big stripe on his little face from sitting in peak hour traffic with a dodgy car window shade.
- Swinging baby Magoo in his outdoor swing for ridiculously long lengths of time because I couldn't find the motivation / energy to do much else and it was one of few places he was content.
- Discharging Magoo from hospital because I really couldn't take being there another second (um, twice).
- Little Magoo rolling off our bed where I had popped him (safely?).
- Allowing baby Magoo to play with and chew (wrapped) tampons regularly so I could have some bathroom time.
- Ignoring Magoo's "Mum, mum, mum" from the backseat after a particularly challenging morning, to finally turn around (waaaay down the road and through an intersection) and see him holding his car seat straps aloft.
- When Magoo fell backwards into a tub at playgroup. He was wedged in and wailing. So I ran to him - and took a photo. (Your honour, in my defense, the camera was already in my hand.)
- When I force fed Magoo baked beans against his will until his allergic reaction became really apparent, ugly and scary. Hmm - who said Mum knows best?
- When this early childhood teacher who is passionate about early literacy & language acquisition told her little cherub to "just shut up for a minute"
- Letting a toddler Magoo sleep while covered in his own excrement. I wasn't going to wake him and then deal with two different types of shitty. Better rested and foul, than foul and foul.
- Magoo's fascination with "woine". As in "Mummy want a woine now?" "Mummy go the woine shop today?" "Woine is sistee two dollar at dis shop Mum" "I have pees a woine Mummy?"....
- Forgetting to change Magoo's oh-so-full nappy until the poor Huggies could take no more and leaked all over Magoo's little friend's bed.
- Neglecting to change Magoo's swim nappy to a proper nappy once we left the beach and moved up onto the grassed playground. Not so sinful - until he pooed. Out of the stupid, useless, waste-of-money swim nappy, through his bathers, down his little legs, into his socks and shoes and ruining our fish n chips experience completely. I eventually realised that me, Magoo & nappies were not a good combo. Woo hoo for toilet training!.
- The time I said "nobody leaves this table until you eat something". That was a looong night.
- Taking a few moments to realise that poor little 'fish' Magoo was waving his arms & legs like a madman - not for entertainment - but because he was trapped under the little table in our pool and couldn't breathe.
- Leaving Magoo in 'time out' a little longer than absolutely necessary because I was enjoying some 'time out' too. (And maybe forgetting the reason he was there in the first place!)
- Overdoing 'manners' so much that Magoo likes to tell me about anybody and everybody, anywhere, who is "beeng a lil bit wooed Mum" on the top of his voice.
- The whole of last week when poor Magoo was shipped between daycare, in laws and friends to accomodate my (temporary -thank God) crazy work schedule.
And this is with one child!
It may well be come illegal for people like me to have any more if I don't hurry up!
Please don't call DOCS. Despite all of my failings I adore my little man and he still doesn't know any better than to adore me. He is healthy, happy and very forgiving.