I try my hardest not to dwell on the negative, to keep perspective, to hold silver linings in my sight... etc. etc. etc.
Hey, sometimes I fail.
Apparently, it's a necessary part of being human.
I'm learning to live with it. Often.
When I do fail the 'positive energy' test, I let my mind go to yukky places.
You know, the dark spots that give you the shivers and have you physically trying to wipe away such thoughts.
The thoughts that follow newspaper articles and media stories that I wish I had avoided altogether.
These thoughts are often so far projected into the future, that it's ridiculous.
And the past few years, as a parent, there's a whole new dimension and intensity to those thoughts.
Being gifted with a daughter still feels like a surreal privilege to me.
As I've mentioned before, I thought I had it sorted.
I was a 'boy Mum', you see.
The simple life! (Apparently.)
And a part of me was relieved to be a 'boy Mum'.
Not just because I would rather wash the stereotypical footy jumpers than sew stereotypical sequins, but because I have far more 'girl worries' swirling around this head.
Here's just a few...
*I feel greater pressure in mothering a girl.
I'm not a terrific role model when it comes to self image.
I'm not a terrific role model when it comes to those damn scales.
I know that insecurities and body issues aren't a female monopoly - but the game board sure is tilted in our favour.
*I don't feel that I live up to my 'womanly responsibilities'.
Well, they're actually someone else's traditional womanly views - but either way, I'm not living up to them.
I keep a clean home and look after my family well - but I ain't made no organic spelt flour something something from scratch lately. Or ever.
And I don't wear an apron.
Or a bra half the time.
*There are 'female' cancers plaguing my family.
Breast, cervical and ovarian cancer have stolen beautiful women from us - just in my lifetime.
*The sexualisation of young girls scares the pants off me - no pun intended!
I could rant all day about this one.
My inner Grandma has a field day when I begin thinking/talking about the whole thing.
*The media scrutiny of females in bikinis, in workplaces, in labour, in politics, in Hollywood, in the bloody aisle at Woolworths... is intense and unfair.
I feel an immense responsibility to raise a young woman who will be strong, smart and self assured enough to see society's prejudice and pressures for what they are.
And who is perfectly content with (or blissfully unaware of) the way her gorgeous gooshy legs look in her bathers right now.