Wednesday, September 19, 2012

The Guilt. Always The Damn Guilt.

I promised myself that I was going to be kinder to myself this time around.
And I am.
I really am.
Soo much kinder.

But, nonetheless, there's always the guilt.

This 'mother guilt' that is a staple item in our Mummy wardrobes.

I figure, biologically, it keeps us accountable -this guilt - and therefore it serves a purpose.
You know, stops Mumma bears from simply abandoning her cubs or certain women from leaving their children in the car park at the casino... for too long anyway.

My beautiful bub slept pretty spectacularly last night.
(I won't record the details here for fear of retribution or hate mail from sleep deprived Mamas.)
I feel guilty that I have a newborn and managed a decent snooze.
Or I would have if I didn't keep checking on her and marveling that she was still slumbering!
???
Go figure.
I know an element of that guilt is grounded in the fact that I'm not breastfeeding the lovely Missi.
(Formula and sleep do seem to have an interesting relationship - no matter what the literature might say.)

Then because I just wasn't feeling quite guilty enough today, I took the plunge, made the call  - and  upped Magoo from one day of a pre-kindy & daycare combo to two days each week.
The. boy. is. bored.
Even when I can drive again, his little social butterfly wings will be clipped by his baby sister's needs.
He's one excited little man at the prospect of seeing his 'kindy friends' twice a week.
I'm here crying into my sesame snaps (thank you for these by the way, Erin!) because I feel guilty.
Guilty that I'm not giving Magoo enough stimulation here at home, guilty that I've chosen an easy option to 'entertain' him - you know, instead of standing on my head, cartwheeling and pulling craft activities out of my butt every five minutes.
Guilty because I looked forward to maternity leave so I could have this extra time with Magoo.
Guilty because the baby is three weeks old and I've hand balled the poor little guy already.

Aaahhh.
Guilt, glorious guilt.
What are you feeling like the world's worst mother about today?

Shar :-)
(P.S. NOT actually the world's worst mother, for the record. I have NEVER done the casino car park thing.)
(P.P.S. Thank you JJ for some lovely playground therapy / comforting guilt sharing this afternoon!)

10 comments:

Annmarie Pipa said...

just have more kids...then you get so busy staying alive that becomes the accomplishment to kill any guilt.

Wanderlust said...

I've banished a lot of demons, but not the mother guilt. I think it really is hard wired into us. Hopefully writing it out helps reveal the absurdity of some of the self-talk we throw at ourselves. x

sascedar said...

if it helps, research has shown that two days in a quality early childhood service is more beneficial for kids than one. :) take care!

posie blogs Jennie McClelland said...

Stop it, right now, from a guilt free feeling mother who had 4 babies sleep 12 hours a night from 3 weeks, no issues delivering babies, breastfeeding, sibling rivalry, some of us just get lucky, really lucky!!
Now your sweet boy is only bored due to his age not his family, or preschool, he's just ready for the next level as ALL first borns are, they are just forward children.
Don't you ever compare your luck or wonderful children to anyone or anything, trust me, mums can actually lie about help (nannies, house keepers, cleaners, grandparents on tap) & fake that they are doing it all, when really, mums like you & me have zero help!! You love that gorgeous baby, that sweet big brother of hers & your endlessly loving husband & be wrapped up in all that love, do not think twice about upsetting someone as you are the picture of gorgeousness & LOSE THE GUILT NOW!! It's a wasted emotion, utterly useless in the mother role, embrace.
What am i feeling like the world's worst mother today, NOT A DAMN THING, i have 4 children who love me, for my imperfections, faults, giving them the wrong lunches & not turning up to parent's day at school yesterday (even though i'm a housewife & was available) as i wanted it to be all about their Daddy for once. Same awesome Daddy just dropped our high schooler off for a 6.30a.m. excursion to Sydney for the day, what did she do or say to me "Mum, you look like you've lost weight, can i try to pick you up??" & thanks for letting Daddy take me shopping for snacks last night, i love you. SEE they can still love you to pieces, forever, enjoy it honey, ENJOY, love Posie

Amelia {Weddings, Babies... Everything} said...

Oh the guilt.
There's always something to be guilty about isn't there.
But doing our best is all we can do. You have nothing to feel guilty about. :) xx

Mama of 2 boys said...

Yeah that damned mother guilt, evil I tell you! Shar, I can honestly say that we all reach that point of realisation once bubs number 2 comes along. Felix was 6 months when Angus started preschool for 2 days a week. I held on & on til he turned 3 (like a silly fool) struggling all the way. It was a tough 6 months. Magoo will be happier, you will be happier, it's a win win all round. Kick that guilt to the kerb my friend & enjoy xoxo

Alex aka WHOA MUMMA! said...

Geez I have so much that I should feel guilty about! Stuff it. Take it as it comes.

Magoo will love another day at day care. If I could afford it I'd put Jordy in for another day, she is soooo bored.

JJ said...

Don't you shed another tear, you are doing the right thing for a number of reasons.
.....and thank YOU xx

JJ said...

Don't you shed another tear-you are doing the right thing for a number of reasons!
.....and thank YOU xxx

Jane said...

Oh Sweetheart. Guilt schmilt. Yep, we need to lose it. Motherhood's a tough enough gig without burdening ourselves further. J x