Now girls and boys. I'm no style guru.
I'm always a season behind and a few bucks short of being even remotely fashionable.
Occasionally, I confuse being colour coordinated with being fashionable, but really I'm just matchin'
- not rockin' or stylin'.
Recently, on a girls' out night the decision was made to head over to quite a 'young' establishment (the clientele, not the building) after dinner.
I used to frequent this place when I was younger, smoother and perkier myself
- so I was happy to pay the ol' girl a visit.
After the novelty of having my ID verified and photo taken for security purposes, I entered the place only to immediately assume that we had mistakenly walked into the middle of a pimps and prostitutes event.
My lovely, new tailored (maternity!) pants instantly stood out like ... well, actual clothing on a non-writhing body.
They were just screaming to be cut off somewhere between my butt cheeks and g-string like all the other so-called 'pants' in the place.
Everywhere I turned, there was flesh.
It was a fleshfest, man!
I thought there was a rule about advertising crotch or cleavage - not both?
I guess rules are made to be broken - by absolutely every female in the place.
There were Kardashian-wannabes flanking penthouse pet-wannabes and plastering themselves all over macdaddy-wannabes every way I looked!!
I'm not sure if I was confused, disgusted or plain envious.
I was no angel in my heyday and I still like to let my hair down on the very odd occasion these days, but...
even at my fittest, I would never have had the confidence to wear a lycra belt as an outfit.
I would also have had serious reservations about combining alcohol and one-false-move-from-public-nudity attire.
I no longer understand why young 'gentlemen' feel the need to download graphic porn in this day and age.
The live shows are obviously freely available on podiums in bars all over this city.
20+ years ago I had to fight for my right to see 'Pretty Woman'.
(Or just diiiiieeee 'cause everyone else was allowed toooooo.)
My Dad didn't want me being exposed to this, you see...
Flash forward 20+ years and without any content warnings we are over exposed to this continuously...
'Vivians' are no longer confined to dodgy street corners.
I wonder how Richard Gere would even know who to proposition in this era?
Wouldn't it would be extremely confusing for 'customers' to distinguish between the real deal and a bunch of teenage girls simply wagging school?
I believe Supre have a lot to answer for.
Or, once again, I may just be basking in my seven visible signs of aging over here.
Pretty Woman image